Sardines
by Zephyr5
Summary: It's the middle of the night, and he's got a beautiful woman between his legs. So why is Joker so worried? No explicitly stated pairings.


**Disclaimer:** Mass Effect and its characters are, sadly, not mine.

**Beta'd by:** Thessali (who is also to blame for this fic in the first place - _because I say so_ :P)

**Rated for:** A touch suggestive in places, but nothing explicit. This is a _humour_ fic (dear god, what have I become?)

* * *

As crazy as the Normandy crew can get, having the commander - a grinning, almost giggling, definitely tipsy commander - scurry onto the bridge and make a beeline for the cockpit is neither terribly shocking nor surprising. What _is_ shocking and surprising is when she leans over his lap, peering into the footwell of his station, and proceeds to virtually pour herself into the gap, contorting herself around his legs as if she's completely boneless.

"Um…commander?"

"Shh!" Though she's trying to shush him, her own voice is quite loud, another indication that she's nowhere near sober. "Playin'," she hiccoughs, the jerking motion briefly pressing the swell of her breasts into his leg. "Playin'…sardines." She manages.

Wonderful, Joker thinks. If anyone comes looking for her up here – and finds her – there'll be two inebriated people trying to squeeze into a space only one person's legs were ever intended to fit. Granted, there's plenty of room – but not when the legs in question are as fragile as his, and definitely not when alcohol will likely cause the 'sardines' to forget just how breakable he is.

Although, Shepard had taken great care to avoid hurting him; the only contact between them coming when she hiccoughed. And if he's really honest? Well, a hairline fracture might be worth it if he gets to brag that the cause was the commander's breasts.

Just under an hour later, and Joker has almost forgotten she's there. It's the faint snoring that gives her away and calls his attention to her. When he peers down at her, the pilot can see that she's carefully arranged herself to avoid leaning on his legs. Her arms are folded across her knees where they poke up between his shins, and her head is cradled on her arms.

She looks relaxed…peaceful – a stark contrast to how he reckons she'll feel come tomorrow, when she wakes up with cramp, backache and a hangover.

Unfortunately, Joker realises, without external assistance he's stuck there, unable to extricate his legs. As he's pondering the situation anew, salvation arrives – or so he hopes – in the distinctive footsteps of Kaidan Alenko.

"Joker."

"If you're playing pilchards – or whatever the hell it is – you can find somewhere other than the bridge." Joker warns, though the lieutenant's footsteps are steady, and his voice contains no suggestion of an alcohol-induced slur.

"Trying to figure out where the commander's stashed herself this time." Kaidan replies, tone mild, though there's a faint trace of both amusement and concern in his words. He walks around to the co-pilot's seat on Joker's right and peers into its footwell.

Why, Joker wonders, couldn't the commander have curled up in there?

He fully expects the other man to peer into the footwell where she is hiding next, but instead he slumps into the co-pilot's seat with a weary sigh.

"Last time this happened –"

"Wait, this isn't the first time?" Joker interrupts incredulously, wondering just how much he's been missing.

Kaidan snorts. "Don't worry, this is only the second time someone's suggested a variant of 'hide and seek' that the commander's agreed to. First time we were all a bit more sober and it was restricted to the crew deck."

"Ohh, don't stop there." Joker warns, sensing an interesting story in the slight quirk of Kaidan's lips. "What happened?"

The furtive look that the other man shoots around the bridge suggests 'interesting' might be an understatement. "You're sure she's not hiding up here?"

"Cross my heart." Joker lies without hesitation. The commander's either still asleep or isn't worried about what Kaidan might reveal, because there's no outburst from the region of his knees.

"I figured I'd hide under my bunk – get some rest whilst everyone else was hunting around. The, er…the commander had the same idea."

Joker blinks for a moment, confused, and then he realises that Kaidan means he'd found the commander under _his_ bunk. He laughs aloud before realising that it might wake said commander, but Kaidan, slightly red in the cheeks, is continuing.

"Then, ah, gunnery chief Williams also had the same idea."

"I hate you Alenko…"

It takes a moment before Kaidan realises that a) the hoarse voice isn't Joker's, and b) it's coming from the pilot's footwell.

"You…!" The lieutenant splutters at him, then buries his head in his hand. "I hate you Moreau…" He mutters.

Joker can't help but laugh again, though Alenko's baleful glare reminds him that he _had_ promised the commander wasn't there – sort of – and he feels bound to apologise. "Sorry LT. But she was asleep – and that story? Worth it right there. Even if she breaks every bone in my legs in retaliation."

"Joker?"

He glances down into the footwell to see the commander staring at him rather bemusedly. "Yes ma'am?"

"How the hell did I get in here without breaking every bone in your legs?"

"Your guess is as good as mine commander."

There's a long, ominous pause as she considers this. "Any guesses on how I get out? Because strangely enough, most of my ideas involve broken legs on your part." She glares, her expression serious enough that he's not sure if she's joking or not.

In the background Kaidan clears his throat, catching their attention. "I suggest we get Joker out of the way first – in one piece – and then it should be easy."

Though he's half expecting an 'accident' to occur, to his relief it doesn't, and Joker finds himself half-leaning on Alenko as Shepard crawls out from her hiding place. She stands and dusts herself off – not that there's any dust to brush off – before glaring at them both.

"This incident is never mentioned again. Ever. To anyone." She glares particularly fiercely at Kaidan. "Am I understood gentlemen?"

"Yes ma'am!" They both respond instantly.

Shepard nods sharply, the motion causing her to wince and press a hand to her head, then turns and walks away with as much dignity as she can manage.

The two men watch her departure avidly, less concerned that she might trip or fall, and more entranced by the way she makes the bland Alliance uniform look sinfully attractive.

Kaidan helps him back into his seat once she's gone, but far from looking worried, the lieutenant actually seems completely relaxed about the whole incident.

"Why are you so cheerful?" Joker can't help but ask.

Kaidan shrugs. "She'll go back to her bunk, sleep for four or five hours, and wake up with the mother of all hangover and no idea what she got up to. She only knows about the incident from the first time because Ash told her." He cocks his head at Joker, expression mildly curious. "After that me and Ash agreed to make sure no one else realises and takes advantage of her. Why else did you think I was looking for her?"

It's on the tip of his tongue to imply – only in jest, of course – that the agreement was to make sure Kaidan and Ash were the only two who knew they could 'take advantage' of their commander. But something in Kaidan's expression, something deep and unfathomable in his eyes, makes him decide against it. Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko is one of the most honourable men Joker has ever met, almost to the point where he'd call him repressed – or homosexual – if he didn't know from barracks gossip that the lieutenant is rarely stuck for female company if he wants it.

"Honestly? I thought my initial greeting and 'bugger off' might have told you that."

Alenko laughs. "Not this time. I drew the 'sober' straw – it doesn't take two of us to make sure the commander's okay. Not on the Normandy." He yawns and excuses himself, leaving Joker alone once more.

The hours tick by; Joker spends most of the time dozing, waking up every hour or so to check that all's still right with the Normandy's world. It's peaceful, soothing, at least until the ship's 'day' starts and the crew take their places, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Well, except for those who were clearly drinking with the commander last night – they're rather more red-eyed and furry-tongued – except, unsurprisingly enough, the commander herself.

She joins Joker at the helm, and a glancing up at her, he would never have suspected she'd been drinking the night before, never mind hiding in his footwell… She looks bigger, more imposing, and he finds it hard to believe that she could fit in the gap where his legs are.

"Something wrong?" There's the faintest rasp to her voice, but it's enough to convince him he hadn't been dreaming.

Irreverent man that he is, he can't help but risk putting his head into the proverbial lion's den. "No ma'am." He replies innocently. "Just wondering how many pilchards I could fit in the footwell."

Her expression is one of utter bafflement. Apparently Alenko wasn't lying about her memory loss. "Is that your way of complaining you don't have enough legroom?" She asks slowly, peering first at the footwell, and then at him, frowning in confusion. "Looks like there's plenty of space to me."

He shrugs, and her wince as she shakes her head at him is a further clue that she's not feeling as robust as she looks.

Shepard turns away, apparently dismissing the brief exchange as random insanity – on his part. Nothing unusual for Joker. He turns his attention back to the holographic displays, and the hand that swiftly tugs his cap forward over his eyes comes as a complete surprise.

"It's sardines." She quietly rasps in his ear.

And as his commander strides away, Joker makes a mental note to never play poker against her.

* * *

**AN:** Sardines is a variant of hide-and-seek where, if you find someone who's hiding, you have to _join_ them in their hiding place. Needless to say, this can get very...interesting. Not a game for the claustrophobic or adverse to 'accidental' groping xD


End file.
